One of the things I miss from the days of my pre-blog portal was movie review day. So I figure if i'm going to move, I might as well bring it back. The problem with me reviewing film is, of course, I tend to dislike modern cinema. So rather than hide my bias - I use it. My ratings are based on how BAD a film is... and rather than stars, a film accrues 'BOBs'. There are 3 different categories of Bobs... Stupidity, Hubris, and Predictability. You gather bobs in each category - and even though you might garner bobs in any given group, that doesnt necessarily make the film a bad thing. It's complicated...
Predictability: A predictability bob is awarded for classically-hollywood dialog and plot complications. It's when you know exactly what's going to happen at each and every turn.
Hubris: A hubris bob is awarded when a character or storyline makes an effort to be deep and meaningful and fails. Generally -these are the moments where the film takes itself so seriously that one remembers that one is watching a movie.
Stupidity: A stupidity bob is awarded when the writer or director, in an effort to make a better film, breaks physical laws (beyond those broken by premises, though premises in themselves are sometimes awarded stupidity bobs (eg the Twins Van Damme in Double Impact)
Example Review:(this is going back a ways...)
You know, i thought this was gonna be a bad film. Everyone told me it would be a bad film. The pre-release hype was all terrible - thus i felt i needed to see it on opening day... This was not a bad film. The was an UNBELIEVABLY BAD film. I couldve given 15 free negative BOBs in each category and it STILL wouldve maxed out in the first 15 MINUTES!!! We're going to do something special with this film... we're going to talk about the plot devices.
Waterworld Economy: The economy is based on fresh water, dirt, and relics from the past. Now, Mr. Costner arrives at said city with about a half gallon of dirt. He trades this for a slew of 'chits' which are the equivalent of so many liters of fresh water. He then trades half of these chits for a tomato plant. A potted tomato plant. Potted in, yes, you guessed it, dirt. A nice big 2 gallon pot of dirt... hrm.....
Waterworld Technology: A floating city of steel, full of people and plastic, with the technology to process urine into drinkable water, lacks the ability to desalinate... A giant 1/3 full oil tanker carrying 400 'rowers' - yes, rowers... lets talk about that since i know quite a bit about it... They had the rowers arranged 2 to an oar, and the oars were steel, and reached, oh I'd say 150 feet to the ocean... (probably a couple tons a piece)... still, assuming the oars are virtually weightless, what is the motive power of 400 oars vs a 1/3 full oil tanker... hrm... well, an average man can impart 1/7 effective horsepower to a boat by oarage... thats about 50 horsepower.... against a deep keeled oiltanker fighting current and winds....
Willing Suspension of Disbelief: Cars that run 500 years after the fall... cigarettes that are worth smoking??? canvas clothing??? 500 working Sea-Doos puttering around in a waveless, stormless ocean??? A man with gills behind his ears that blows air out his nose when he swims??? Where's the oxygen processing system - in his skull??? Is that why he acts like such a dumbass, his brain has been reduced to the size of a walnut???? But WORST OF ALL, the opportunity to spend the rest of your life in paradise with the more than amorously interested JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN and you turn it down to sail away in an empty boat???
RINGWORLD WAS MORE PLAUSIBLE AND WOULD'VE COST LESS TO FILM!!!!
There is nothing redeeming about this film. It is american filmmaking at its worst. Every pretty shot feels fake. Every line of dialogue feels stilted. Every action by an actor is taken with a look of 'dont blame me, i'm following the script' on their faces. This looked like torture for all involved. I'm really looking forward to Waterworld II. I had called Batman the worst film i'd seen, had virtually gifted it a whole slew of year end awards... BUT NO!!!! A CHALLENGER HAS ARISEN!!!!
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