Saturday, September 22, 2007

Ok. So.
I can remember being a kid... hanging out on housing construction sites late at night... or going off to 'camp wade' when parents were out of town. Of course, the drinking age was 18 - so it was all a bit easier... no one really needed a McLuvin ID. Anyway - I live on a street with no other houses - at the top of a hill - surrounded by tall trees... and there's a big-assed abandoned slab next to my house.

Now from time to time kids have found the slab... usually skateboarding kids who get run off the LDS church parkinglot a couple blocks away... and i dont give them any trouble. The remnants of old ramps litter the area - but since it's an abandoned construction site, there are other larger rustier markers of disuse and faded dreams.

Well... some kids have found the place. Big white pickup... LOTTA beer... they're careful, pulled up all the plants and cleaned out a little area for them to park their truck so its not visible from the road

they're quiet... they're not bothering anyone... and though i suddenly have neighbors who are most likely breaking several laws and i dont really want new neighbors i cant say they affect me...

except... they are making a fucking mess.

So. How to solve this....

I could assume they'll fucking clean up after themselves and ignore it
I could go ask them to clean up their mess
I could go over there and clean it up myself, and leave the trashbag for them to use...
I threaten to call the cops...
I could just call the cops...
I could take a shit in the middle of the slab...
I could buy and liberally apply skunk scent (and give them a funny testimonial)
or I could install an infrared webcam with audio and post their antics on the web (though this might well get me in trouble in certain non-amsterdam jurisdictions)

The pond and all of it's frogs and skeeterhawks have taken care of the mosquito problem - and it's actually getting to the extremely pleasant outdoor weather part of the year.

Honestly - all I want is for them NOT TO turn the area around my house into a dump, and not light the forest on fire... i dont give a shit about 5 or 6 semi-adults trying to enjoy themselves away from bothersome supervisors who dont like their attitude. oh, and it would be nice if no one breaks into my fucking house when i'm not home. I liked having a house where no one knew I was up here. So far, the ONLY thing that strikes me as problematic in this situation is the fact they're slobs.

I'm open to suggestions.


Jake said...

I have given this post a great deal of thought, and I have, I am afraid, become to emotionally close to the question at hand to be objective as to the quality of my suggestions. In no particular order:

1. This first one will require some purchases, but might be worth it as a social engineering project. The idea is to deposit spent items around the site that indicate that it is being used as a love-nest for the closested gay population of Bastrop. Lube is good. Some magazines, perhaps. Condoms, condoms, condoms. Don't be subtle. See if this changes their behaviour. My guess is that, yes, it will, but I could be wrong about your friends out there.

2. Without having properly scouted the area, I am guessing here, but I suspect that the options regarding where they hide their trucks are relatively limited. Use this to your advantage. You may be able to "arrange" the hiding area in such a way that the truck will not be able to leave. Chuckle with joy as the tow truck tries to navigate the area.

3. Get really evil. You're, ahem, good with computers and networking. It wouldn't be difficult to set up cameras, mics, and speakers in the trees. Fuck with them. Do the whole "this is God, Kent" from Real Genius bit. Or, make videos of them. Take all the really stupid parts, and put 'em on YouTube. Link 'em to Fark.

The speakers could be fun, though. You've got a ladder that can reach higher than they'll ever get. You can put solar panels on that sucker. Just sayin'.

4. Your bear musk idea ain't bad, assuming the bear doesn't detour to your neck of the woods.

5. Cover the slab with a silica-based lubricant. That would take care of the problem pretty quick.

6. Ok, this one's really the best. Walk over one night when they're there and tell them that, as long as they clean up after themselves, you're cool with it, but if they don't, you'll have to notify someone. I bet they're surprisingly reasonable.

GreatGoblin said...

ok - i love the idea of leaving a bottle of half-empty lube over there - god that might be funny... and just a couple of used condom wrappers... lol

they actually cleared a fairly large area - remember, my road is a mess because the road construction trucks used to park in the area in front of that slab - so there's a good bit of level space - plus their truck is a BIG freakin truck.

the suggestions from others who've IMd me... like IEDs... are a bit much. I figure the situation will sort itself out soon. It's going to get cold... they'll make a mess of the place and move on... but if they stay i need to do something

robyncz said...

I'm just enjoying my own personal mental image of Sean in a zipper jumpsuit standing on the front lawn with a hose, looking over at the slab and muttering to himself, "Damn kids!"

'Cause that's what grumpy old guys do!

Seriously, my favorite two ideas are doing a little bit of cleaning and leaving a trashbag for them to use, or Jake's shockingly rational suggestion #6.

I agree that it sucks to be in this position, though. It puts your whole self image (renegade young anti-authority type)in question and makes you feel like a bourgeois old fart!

Good luck!

fearlessvk said...

i'm worried about #6. i've watched the lost boys enough times to know that teenagers might be vampires and kiefer sutherland is a really scary vampire. be careful.

GreatGoblin said...


They've been over there tagging the slab. Names... poorly conceived graffiti with a lot of prominent 420... No - they're not going to clean this place up. There's no way they can use it for skating now, too much broken glass.

So all the talking options are out.

I'm starting with Jake's option 1. We'll see how they react.

Jake said...

Gee, that's harsh Sharon. Some vampires go on to be productive members of society. For every Kiefer Sutherland, there's a Billy Wirth. Billy, the skinny vampire, wound up being a semi-finalist on American Gladiators before Turbo or Nitro or some other spandexed juggernaut destroyed his knee. I think that Wirth's heroics equal, if not exceed, the damage the Sutherland has done to this country.

GreatGoblin said...

Wolf's suggestion was pretty clever too... that these are most likely poor HS kids, or consider themselves poor... and thus the best way to drive them off is to go over there and try to be their friends. Go be 'that scary old guy who tries to bogart our weed'


ahh well - maybe next time. operation 'gay love nest' is in effect

fearlessvk said...

jake, thanks so much for unearthing american gladiator from its deeply buried spot in my subconscious. all i really needed was to start thinking about that show again.